One Year

Today is a huge deal to me for a lot of reasons. I had a nightmare last night that what I went through a year ago today started to happen again, but I woke up right before the worst part of it. I take that as a sign; I take it as a sign that it didn't get as bad as it could have, and even though I may have it replay in my head over and over again, it will never be able to affect me the way it did that day or how they wanted it to.

Some of you know what I'm writing about and what happened, but a majority of you do not. I'm not going to share what happened for a few reasons, but I am going to talk about the difference that a year can make and has made for me.

A year ago I was in a place that I had stuck myself into being for about 5 years on and off, and the longer it went on the more of myself I lost. I was so lost. I was lost enough that I let myself settle to the lowest of standards for myself and those who I surrounded myself with, but at the end of the day, some sort of sign of someone caring for me was enough to keep me floating. 5 years ago I thought I put myself in that situation because I was helping and because I truly wanted to be the one to help see the other side and be strong enough to get there, but after about a year or so, and it getting worse and worse for me, I realized the only reason why I was in it was because I didn't know how to get out and I didn't want to be someone that someone else could say abandoned them when they needed it most. I understood how it felt to be left or abandoned, and they knew I knew it too.

I was manipulated, abused, self-conscious, anxious, depressed, and anything else in the book you would title someone who basically gave all they had to someone who knew exactly what to do with it for their own benefit, but I was also stuck. I was scared as shit, and I was stuck. I was scared and stuck for basically 5 years, and as time went on the less people knew about my situation, and me suffering in silence became the new strength that I developed.

Now the interesting part is the fact that I thought no one else knew about my situation. I may have not told people it was going on anymore because I was embarrassed, ashamed, or honestly just scared of what would happen if I did come to terms with how royally screwed I felt, but everyone who knew me knew that something was wrong. I took out my feelings on people who didn't deserve it, and I let people in who didn't do anything but take advantage of the low place I was at.

The people in your life who truly understand and care for you always know when something is wrong, especially when you feel so wrong and not like yourself all the time. They know when you're acting different or carrying yourself different, and they most definitely know when you are hurting and broken. Let them in.

A year ago, I wanted to give up and stop trying to get out and stop trying to convince myself I could have a life different than the one I had made for myself. I was too afraid to tell people about the situation I had put myself in and how bad it had gotten, I lied to basically everyone that I knew, and lying became so routine to me I actually started to believe myself. I was at the lowest point in my life and declining for about 5 years, until a year ago today.

One year ago, I was put in a really hard situation, but again, chose the route which helped out them instead of me. It actually wildly inconvenienced me, but they knew what made me tick or set me off or shook me to my core to the point where I basically convinced myself there was no other way but their way, so I went their way. After I was basically scared to death to the point where I knew I had no other option but to just spill it all so I wasn't' alone anymore, I couldn't stop crying, but I fell apart, and I spilled it all out.

I was crying scared tears, happy tears, hurt tears, free tears, and mostly thank god I am no longer alone in this tears. I did it; I finally got the strength to tell someone else what was happening, and it wasn't my weight to carry alone anymore. I could breathe. I COULD FINALLY BREATHE ON MY OWN.

Things got harder before they got easier, but I wasn't alone in it ever again.

One year leaves so much room for change.

One year brought me my life back

One year made me me again

One year brought me love and security

One year taught me self-love

One year showed me my worth

In this past year I have learned more about myself and the people around me than I have my entire life.

I learned how much therapy benefitted me since I was able to take care of my mind and get through the mental and internal fights and hard times from this basically on my own (from a mindset and anxiety/depression survivor standpoint).

I learned that the people who were with me all those years whether they knew what was going on or not, that they know the real me, and knew how to help me and also when to let me learn on my own.

I learned that I have the greatest friends, family, and partner in the whole entire world and that they make me want to be better everyday.

I learned how to be myself for me again.

I learned that I don't need anyone to ever show me or remind me of my worth or what I have to offer this world.

I learned that my anxiety and depression will never have the power it did over me.

I learned the world is truly better with me in it.

I learned to see myself as someone who is beautiful, strong, and has a strong heart.

I learned how much I will do for the people I love and care for.

I learned how to ask for help.

I learned to speak about what I'm feeling and express myself in better ways.

I learned that it's ok to put yourself first and that it doesn't make you selfish.

I learned to never have anyone in my life that doesn't bring me positivity or make me better.

I learned how to keep myself from going back to a dark place again.

I learned to open myself back up again.

I learned how to accept love again, and give it back.

I learned how to love myself again, for all that I was trying to do regardless of what was done with it, and that I have a good heart and intentions regardless of what people may try and do to take advantage of it.

I learned that I decide what will destroy me or make me stronger.

I learned that the greatest accomplishment I ever make will be in continuing to take care of me.

I learned that people only have power over me if I give it to them.

I truly can't even believe that the person I feel I am today is the same person that felt so completely different one year ago. The amount of growth I have seen in myself, along with the love I now carry for myself is something I honestly never thought would happen. I never saw myself getting out of that place, I just saw myself learning more ways of how to hide how bad it had gotten or how to get better at hiding all I was suffering from.

One year has passed, and I have learned what it's like to love in general again. Some days or weeks are going to be hard, but I have learned to love the world and what I see around me again, I've learned to love the life I have and those I have it with again, and I've learned to love myself, and everything that makes me, me again. I know I will always have room to grow, but I don't look at that as a bad thing or that I have so much work to do on myself anymore, I look forward to what else I will learn and grow from to continue to better myself and be better for those who are important to me.

What are you going to do in one year?

How much time is one year to you?

What have you been pushing off for years, that you know you can change in one?

I love what one year has done for me, and I love being excited for my life and what will happen in another year from now and beyond that.